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Hello God

Good Morning, Yahweh. So how are you? Is running things a full-time, hands-on job, or are you basically in maintenance mode? And are you responsible for, like, the whole thing, or are you some hyper-evolved local "God", the proverbial Angel Standing in the Sun, Crying with a Loud Voice? Do you have a God to pray to? Talk to? Yes, I'm all into the whole monotheism thing (as we call it down here) but I wonder just what precisely that means. Oh well, just making small talk. It's kinda hard to ask Yahweh "How's the weather?"

So, how's the weather? (Relax, I'm just busting your chops.) What, exactly, do you do? Or would you have to kill me if you told me? Some days I'm not so sure that would be a bad deal to make, by the way. I mean, are you generating new galaxies, or are you cool with the ones you already have? Are you & Jesus surfing Experia to book a flight for His return? Do you dial-in to vote for your favorite American Idol? And, hey, what does the real Miss Universe look like? Is she hot? Our "Miss Universe" is just a local lady, I'm not sure we can really say she's the pick of the whole collective of billions of planets around billions of stars in hundreds of billions of galaxies, but, hey, who knows? Wouldn't it be amazing if she really was??!? Well, I'll just say it would amaze me.

Anyway, things are really fantastic here, weather wise, in Tennessee. October, it is pretty well agreed, is the best month of the year. Hey, btw, since you swirl the Milky Way with your pinky, watching it rotate every 200,000,000 years, I would guess that our "year" would feel a lot like the rotation of an electron around a nucleus does to us. I mean, can you really kick back and appreciate how cool the nights are, how marvelously warm the days are, and can you even see the yellow/red/orange leaves on the trees? I'm just guessing again, but it seems to me that being the Master of Time, Space and Dimension would have a real "Been there, done that" downside to it. How to you keep things fresh and real?

First, I want to say that my life is astoundingly, unbelievably magnificent. And I REALLY appreciate, or at least I try to the best my mortal limits allow. My body works, my glorious wife Libby & incarnate son Isaac are delights beyond the limits of my tiny vocabulary to express, our house is a palace of delights by all rational standards, we have freedom, creativity, friends, and an extra $1.98 in the bank. To want anything more would to be guilty of the deadly sin of greed, and that's the truth. So, in case I don't say it enough, or in the right ways, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

So, there's not a "but" coming. Really, there's not. It's much more of an "And." The And is ....I've been really wondering about something lately. SINCE you have blessed me so outrageously, I try to return thanks to You by sharing with those around me. I mean, that's the whole thing, right? The Four Aims of Life, helping others in balance with business, family, recreation (thanks, btw, for the way "recreation" comes from "re-creation", I think that is SOOOO Cool!) So, my social service, my "Dharma" (if non-English terms do not offend You) is primarily in my writings (books and this website thing) and ministry, classes, face-to-face teachings and all that.

That's what I've been wondering about. I cannot help but feel that, somehow, I've missed the mark here. (One of Libby's favorite sayings is that "Ahyh is not missing the mark," which is an inside joke that works on about 4 levels all at the same time, but that's what marriage to a Prophetess is really like.) And, if you have some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Look...I understand and believe the whole "Work without attachment to the fruit of your labor," "Whatsoever you do in thought, word and deed, do all to the Glory of God" thing. Heck, I even teach it to folks. Many of them have even said I've really helped put their lives in focus. I even know one guy who printed that on a card and posted it in his FBI office! A real conversation starter.

Anyway, sorry, I digress...So, I really know that I have to just plant the seeds, it's up to You to provide the growth. Yes, RIGHT, I GET IT. Really, truly, deeply. And I understand that life & ministry are not "numbers games." We tend to think that something that is popular is automatically better than something less popular. That kinda seems to be built into our DNA at this point, BTW. You might want to look into that, but that's Your thing, certainly not mine. Just because preacher #1 has 10 people listening does not mean that preacher #1's material is any higher, wiser, more loving or inspired, than someone with only 2 people listening. There are a lot of death-thrash music albums, glorification-of-evil movies, that have been seriously popular, and I'm very comfortable with understanding that does not make them "good" or divine.

OK, I guess that's about all the background (Hah!! Like YOU need the background. Oh well.) Now, look. You brought me to Mount Juliet Tennessee. We both know it was not entirely voluntary on my part, but that was years ago and not even remotely the point. So what is the point? If I know I'm blessed daily (which I do) and I understand the growth is Yours (which I do) and I know life & ministry are not numbers games (which I do) then what's the issue? What's the problem? What's bugging me?

It boils down to this. I'll put it into steps, which I so often do when I face really complicated issues:

I know, for an actual fact, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm fine with that, too.
But, from decades of feedback from emails, phonecalls, and personal chats, I also know for a fact that you have given me a set of tools and observations, along with the ability to communicate them, in ways that really, really help many people. "So blessed," "You changed my life," "God is speaking to me through you...." I mean, as you know, the list goes on and on.
Yet, the sheer numbers of people I have been able to reach is so small as to be almost immeasurable. In Bible Study this Sunday I had 3 people. 3.
And there are so many many people on this earth, that are hurting in so many ways, that I just can't help but think, that for every 1 email / phonecall / thank you I get, there statistically must be additional thousands and millions of people, on this planet, here and now, who would love to have access to this material. Said another way, I figure every 1 email must represent 10,000 people who would love to have access to this stuff.
I see what is really popular on the planet at this time. Current events (if You stand outside space and time, do You have "current events"? Just wondering) have taught me a whole bunch of things I could do to gain fame & popularity. But none of them are very positive or good, and I try to always vote for the good over the popular.
So, it boils down to this: AM I MISSING SOMETHING??!? (Thought I'd make that bold, caps, etc so it really jumps out, in case you might miss it.) I mean, is there something ELSE I'm supposed to do to reach out & expand? I thought I was teaching the Bible Study material that the folks themselves said they wanted to hear. If I'm doing something wrong, or if there's just MORE of something that I could / should be doing, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME?!?!? And it's not just the Bread Of Life Ministry. It's the website, too. I have as many visitors here as the NothingButtLove sites have in a second. OK. I guess.
It's not about numbers, but the numbers are driving me insane. I'm having nightmares about this. It's driving me to the point of madness, Yahweh. Really. It's my never-ending sense of personal lack and failure that I'd love some help with, Big G.

So, that's it. While I write this I'm listening to King Crimson's sacrament called "Islands" on my Krell stereo, while my cat purrs on the desk next to the monitor. I am, and feel, immensely blessed. I want to be able to share that blessed-ness with as many as I can. If I knew that speaking to 3 people in class was precisely what You wanted me to do for the rest of my life, I believe (or at least want to believe) that I would do so, happily. I would just love a bit more confidence that I am being as wise here as I can be.

I just can't get over the feeling that I'm missing something here. If you have any ideas or suggestions (or, heck, feel free to stop my guessing game and just TELL ME) I'd love to hear them.

Thank you for listening Yahweh. And thank you, again, for everything.

Please say "Hi" to my Mom and Rabbi Dan. And Baba-Booey the Cat. Please tell them I miss them a lot.

Love, Ahyh

I'll close with the same line I addressed to my earthly friends a couple days ago:

p.s. There are lots of ways you can contact me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Love, Ahyh.

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